Wednesday, March 6, 2013

5 Words

I read a post today from my church:

And I couldn't stop thinking about it.  What are the five words that currently describe my life?  Not what I want it to be.  Not what I think it is.  But what it is.  Today.  Now.

Here's what I came up with:

I have had a lot of people asking me how everything is going in my life.  When I'm being honest, my answer in this: there is very little in my life that where I want it to be.  It's been a struggle.  2013 has had a rough start to it, and it feels like so many things are out of my control.  Job.  Money.  Mental health.  Relationships.  A whole lot is askew.  Life has blown up in my face and I'm trying to hold on.  I try my best to stay afloat and head in the right direction, but it's tough.  I actually think I've handled everything that has come my way really well.  My strength is what's getting me through.

Not in an angry way.  In a sad way.  In a disheartening way.  I had a monumental series of conversations last week that alter a lot of things in my life.  I will leave it at that.  But when I think things are on the upswing, this happened and was one of those pull the rug out from under you moments.  My confidence took a huge hit.  I'm still not sure how things got this point, and it solidified a lot of things I had in mind about the people and other aspects of the category this addresses.  You're welcome for the vagueness

I already knew that 2013 was going to be a really monumental period of my life.  But everything that has happened has validated that thought way more than I could have ever imagined.  This is one of the most critical junctures of my life.  I've had several of these junctures over the years which have set up the several years that followed.  This is one of the first times where I feel like the decisions that I make and the way my life plays out is setting up the rest of my life.  An incredible but scary feeling.

I have this metaphorical feeling for where my life is - like I am on a boat without a compass, sailing into the great unknown.  Wherever the wind takes me.  I might not know where it is taking me, only a vague intuitive sense that I am headed in the right direction.  And what awaits me whenever I reach my destination is something beyond my wildest dreams and expectations.  Call it the search for Atlantis, a treasure hunt, or just a great adventure.  But when you're on the boat... questioning... wondering... hoping... praying... it's hard to ignore the uneasy feeling.

This stretch has not been easy.  But I've been handling it with my head held high and with my values and integrity guiding me.  And I attribute the fact that I can get through this as unscathed as I have been to the love and support I have around me.  I am blessed to have a family to offer amazing words of wisdom in tough circumstances.  I am thankful to have friends who I can turn to for distractions, venting, creating memories, and sharing this journey with me.  I have so many people in my life who would do anything to help me.  And I can feel that love every day.  And I know God will help me through this and see that I am a better person when all of these things settle and get figured out.  Because "even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life - I won't turn back I know you are near"

Yup, I'm pretty lucky.  Even though the words might not be what I want them to be, I know that I can conquer anything.  And these things will pass, and the words will change.  And I know that I will be grateful for this period, because it will teach me so much more than I can imagine.  I can't wait to see where I end up after all of the dust settles.  Because I know it will be incredible.

If you had to choose 5 words to describe what your life currently is, what would they be?

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