Wake Up Call

Race day.

Normally, I'm excited.

Not today.

Do I really have to do this?

Not a single ounce of me wanted to wake up. I rolled over, shut off my alarm, and tried to fall back asleep. But the competitive drive in me won. I got up. I got dressed. I drove 30 mins to the site of the race. I checked in. I put my bib on. I stretched.

It's going to be a good day!

Started running. Felt solid. Mile 1 done.

That's when I tanked. By a mile and a half, I had to start walking. Started running again. .2 later, I was walking. Repeat this for another mile, then awkwardly juffle (part jog, part shuffle- I'm making up a new word) across the finish line, head down, shaking my head.

Insert excuses here:

It was too early. I haven't had time to run lately. It was too hot. It was just an off day.

Even with all that, it still wasn't a TERRIBLE time.

The truth is, I gave up on myself a long time ago.

I've been content with letting the last several months slip away and not focusing on myself.

I've heard advice that if you want to make drastic changes in your life and hold yourself accountable, make it public. Throw yourself out there. Make other people aware. Find support. All of that.

That was partially the reason why I started this blog. But with all the goals I had, and after the strong start of 2011 I have had- I have started regressing. A lot.

At this point, I was hoping to be somewhere in the 220 lb range and gearing up for my first 10K. I am far from both of those.

Throw it all out there.

For those of you who knew me in high school, I got up to 275 lbs. My life was out of control. So I made some drastic changes. By graduation, I was at 197. Over the past 8 years, I have been roller coastering - gain 40, lose 20, gain 30, lose 20, until last year at this point, I reached 284- the heaviest of my life (although I admit I didn't look it).

So, then came the goals. The ambition. But it has been SO hard to stay consistent (thanks grad school).

The plan was to lose 37 lbs toward between spring and fall, then about 60 by graduation.

I lost 20 lbs without really trying... but then put a few back on and stayed the same for 5 months.

I lost 15 more, but then stayed the same for another 4 months.

Now it's mid-April, and I'm sitting in the low 260's.

I know the more weight I drop, the farther I will be able to run, so I am putting more emphasis on weight loss.

So here are some iron-clad goals:

I will be at 247 lbs in a month (ideally by graduation, but that's tight)

I will be at 230 by the time I move to my next job.

I have decided to treat this summer as a "fat camp," and for the second time in my life, devoting my time, energy, and will power on improving myself.

I have gotten to the point where I have gotten over myself and realized I can't do this by myself. So I will need all of the support I can get.

I need your help!

Clearly, I had a lot on my mind while I was on the course. Maybe I should start thinking about bunnies or something.

See you when I've lost a small child!